There's an article, some say stupid, going around about the twenty-two things you should never say to a non-drinker. I'm not sure why we need an article like this though it may be true that us drinking folk need more guidance than the non-drinking set.
As a binge drinker, it might have been helpful if someone more sober than I had offered me advice. Well, here's some advice...here's 8 things you should never ask a drinker if you're not ready for a party.
1) You're gonna let me drink alone? This is always worse on a Friday afternoon if for some reason you're in a bar together having just slipped out of work a tad early. The really bad news is it means you'll hafta to get up Saturday morning and retrieve your car...or worse, your car will be in your front yard (or your neighbor's) when you wake up at the crack of noon.
2) Do you have to drink to have a good time? This is a trick question, but the answer is yes depending on the company! Sometimes drinking makes you more interesting and funnier than you really are. The alcohol just stops us short from saying something like, "Goddamn! you're boring!" The booze keeps us smiling and nodding and our eyebrows raised creating the illusion we care.
3) You wanna beer? Yes. Yes I do. If you're offering me a free beer out of your fridge, it means you're also offering me ten to fifteen minutes of your undivided attention...and hopefully another free beer and another ten to fifteen! Later on I might regret it...or you might regret it when I'm still there the next day on your couch with a trash can full of vomit beside me, but until then, it's all fun and games.
4) Want a roadie? Want one for the road? Nothing sets you up for disaster like having a beer in your lap when you hit the road for home...though I have to admit, as a younger man, I did indeed enjoy driving around during the cool spring days before the humidity set in after a long, cold winter with a window down and a beer in hand. If my favorite mixtape was on a continuous loop then the experience was all the better.
5) How many have you had? Who're you working for? The Highway Patrol? I didn't know I needed an accounting degree to get tight in your company. Maybe beverages are like Lays potato chips. Or maybe the number consumed is like a woman's age and/or shoe size. The point is, why are you asking? Is it because I fell up your stairs or sprayed a little spittle in your face while I was speaking to you? It reminds me of when someone asks you if you've farted. That's when you respond by saying, "No I always smell like this."
6) Are you gonna drink on an empty stomach? That's the plan. Of course, as soon as I pour a Miller Lite down my throat, my stomach ain't empty anymore. Alcohol is food according to my seventh grade PE teacher/coach....toacher, if you will. It's not my fault waiters the world over ply you with drinks before they'll even take your solid food order. If I had a dollar for every time I gave a food order to the back of a waiter's head as he walked away to get the drinks, well, I could open my own eatery.
7) Have you been drinking? Another trick question! I know that if you think I've been drinking I'm probably doing something stupid like lighting a bonfire or dusting off a chainsaw at ten o'clock at night. So you got me. Beer-breath notwithstanding, I could lie and say no, but it's a fifth amendment moment at best. Rhetorical questions to someone who's been drinking can trigger sobering bouts of thought. Not a good idea as it kind of negates the drinking all together. It's best, perhaps, to just assume I have been and join in.
8) Are you drunk? The answer is always, "No" or, "Not yet."
