1. I'll eat anything (once) and probably like it. Turnips, collards, brussels sprouts--all kinds of crazy stuff I'd refuse as a snot-nosed kid I'll eat regularly now. These days I even enjoy something way off the old menu. Who knew you could grill asparagus and it'd be good. Okra? Not so good grilled...but like I said, I'll try anything once.
2. Wisdom! Or at least knowing a little bit about alot of stuff. I can fake it in a conversation with strangers though I admit, sometimes I have to make shit up. I always 'fess up though, usually followed by a grin and a "well it sounded good didn't it?"
My kids hate how I can lip-sync to movies and TV shows and talk shows. I've just been around long enough that I can usually pull it off. It makes me look wise to the kids even if the boy deadpans to me, "I hate you." It's worth it.
3. Economy of movement. I can wrangle heavy objects without breaking a sweat, or my back. I've learned to roll things, lock my arms, carry things up and down, around and over without undue stress and strain. Slide a safe on a carpet sample? A corn broom? You bet.
I have figured out how to plan trips up and down stairs leaving little piles at the bottom to go up, or tossing crap down for someone (not sure who at this point) to pick up later if I don't get to it just so I don't wear myself out running up and down. I just smile watching the kids. They'll go all the way up just to brush their teeth! Rubes.
4. Loss of inhibitions. Want to sing along with the Muzak in line at the CVS while you're buying your Breathe Right strips and some beef jerky? Belt it out. When you're in your mid-forties, you already know you don't have to impress anyone! Who's going to care?
Throw a compliment or two around. Sure the waitress'll think you're hitting on her, but so what. You might make her day, and she might forget to charge you for that fourth mohito! And for god's sake, order girly drinks! Mohito's and Singapore Slings and Sex on the Beaches--find out why chicks dig them, but keep your insulin pen handy.
5. Teenage kids! I myself have an army of two. I'd like to say I have a slave army, but unless you beat the shit out of your kids (or try talking them into working for you like my poor, cheap-ass dad did) you might as well do what I do and pay them for services rendered. I haven't mowed in years. We've been moving, switching houses lately and I have box-toting fools that'll work for tacos and frappuccinos.
By god I have a chauffeur! I can bury my nose in my phone or see the sights as we whiz down the road. It's pretty great.
And, I never have to see a movie by myself--I always can get one of them to go see something with me--even if it's terrible, like say...GI-Joe.
6. Tools. By now you should have accumulated all the hand tools and power tools that you'll ever need. So when a storm rips some shingles from your roof you already have a damn coffee can full of roofin' nails, a flat bar to pry the sticky bastards apart from each other, an extension ladder to get up there and a nail apron or full-blown tool belt to look the part of Roofer.
You should have sets of sockets, SAE and metric, raring to go--of course, the down side is that you can't remember where you left them, but we're keeping it positive. You can fix a flat tire with your jack, compressor, plugs, impact driver and true grit.
If you've outlived your dad, you might even have a Shopsmith Mark V! Need I say more?
7. You've been married for twenty years to the same person and you're at that point in your marriage where, if you're in the house together for longer than say, a meal, someone is going to say, "Haven't you got somewhere else to be?" And that's called freedom.
You hear some guys say, "I can't get a kitchen pass," or whatever and you scratch your head. You can't even remember when your honey wanted you attached to her at the hip and for that you're both thankful. She gets to be a crazy cat lady, and you get to go off and tear stuff up...or fix stuff...or hide in the garage with a cigar and something to reload, or clean or take apart. Or, if you're like me, put off until never; it's only the cigar that matters.
8. Less speeding tickets. I can't figure this out. It might be that everyone else has started driving faster and has finally caught up to me, or I have found my groove and never get over sixty miles an hour. It might be that I just don't give a shit anymore. These days I'm up before the sun--well, I'm awake anyway--so I'm never lounging around in bed until the very last minute before work, so I'm never in a hurry.
I go to movies 30 minutes early.
The only time I freak out anymore is the last two or three miles when I'm just a blue hair in a Buick away from being home...and getting a shower and a big orange.
9. You never have to try on clothes anymore because you know what you like, what looks good on you and what size you've been for 20 years! My god, I can mail order my snappy Reeboks online now with confidence seeings how I've been wearing the same shoe since 1991...virtually.
I already know what I want so I don't have to fret at the store. I don't care about name-brands (except for the aforementioned and kick-ass Reeboks) anymore, just cotton content--namely, one hundred percent.
If you die tomorrow, I can walk into a Men's Warehouse store and pick out everything I need, go home, put it on, and be at the funeral home before you're cold...yeah...42 medium, neck's a 14.
10. You need less sleep! Which is good, because your bladder wants you get up earlier anyway. I get by on six and half hours of honest snooze time, but just look at my shiftless son who lounges around until the crack of noon on the weekends! And by god he needs that much or it's like living with The Cracken.
I, on the other hand, can flop down at ten, pass out shortly thereafter, wake up without an alarm clock (bladder, remember?) at 4:44am but still flop around until 5:30 just checking up on world events and facebook. I mean, we're talking day in and day out with great aplomb. It doesn't hurt that there's a coffee pot beside the bed either, but that's just wisdom (item number 2) coming into play.
Someday, when I'm living on water and light, I might be able to give up sleep all together and enjoy the crappy movies on Netflix, or go broke buying episodes of Justified on Amazon all...night...long!
